“I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive. Carved my name into his leather seats,” sings Carrie Underwood in "Before He Cheats."
But what if it never got to that point? What if you could figure out whether someone was likely to cheat long before they did the deed? It would certainly save you the trouble of slashing their tires—figuratively speaking, of course.
From thrill-seekers to commitment-phobes, research suggests that cheaters may tend to possess certain personality traits. Let’s take a deep dive into the fascinating psychology of infidelity to find out what it is that makes someone stray from their relationship.
The personality of a cheater
Do cheaters always have similar personalities? The short answer is no.
Sadly we cannot pinpoint exactly what leads to infidelity. Everything from a person’s character to their attachment style and adult experiences will play a role. As will the relationship in question. Infidelity is often a sign that something is fundamentally wrong in the relationship.
However, new research suggests that people with specific personality traits are more likely to cheat on their partners.
Published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the research brought together data from two three-year longitudinal studies on newlywed couples. Each study found associations between people’s personality traits and whether they engaged in unfaithful behavior.
The results highlighted three character types, or personas, who were more likely to cheat than others. Here’s the breakdown of those personalities:
● Wives with high levels of extraversion (as opposed to low levels)
● People whose partners had high neuroticism or extraversion
● Husbands whose partners scored high in narcissism
We’re not saying that people who fall into the above categories are destined to cheat on their significant other—of course they’re not. But the findings are significant. The research suggests that these individuals are more likely to be unfaithful, given the right mix of circ*mstances and opportunity.
Personalities with a high risk of cheating
But wait, what is it about these personality traits that make a person more likely to cheat? Let’s take a closer look at each of the characters and examine how they may align with infidelity.
Extraverted women
Extraverted women are, for the most part, likely to be more social than their counterparts. That’s because they naturally crave socialization and become energized from group scenarios. While that in itself is not reason for them to cheat, it does give them the opportunity to do so.
“Being outgoing doesn’t mean that any given person is likely to cheat,” explains Shannon Sauer-Zavala, PhD. “However, it is pretty hard to be unfaithful if you’re not in situations where you can meet new people.”
Put simply, so that someone can cheat on their partner, they need to meet people that strike their fancy. But there’s more to the story than just that.
“Extremely high levels of extraversion, beyond simply being sociable, may be associated with the tendency to crave attention and seek novel, exciting experiences,” says Sauer-Zavala. “It is possible that attention from a new romantic interest is particularly appealing to people with very high extraversion.”
For people who are always looking for the next best thing, the allure of a fresh relationship—even an illicit one—is likely to be hard to resist.
Those with extraverted or neurotic partners
Interestingly, the partners of extraverted people—as well as the partners of neurotics—are also at a high risk of infidelity. That could be because of the strain that these personality traits ultimately put on the relationship as a whole.
“People with partners high in neuroticism may experience more relationship stress due to the inherent emotional instability and insecurity associated with high neuroticism,” says Niloufar Esmaeilpour, MSc, RCC, SEP from Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre.
When a relationship is under pressure—whatever the cause may be—people are more likely to look externally to get what they need. “This can lead to dissatisfaction or conflict, making infidelity more likely as one seeks comfort or validation elsewhere,” explains Esmaeilpour.
Equally, it could be that people with extraverted partners feel ignored or overshadowed. Having a partner who loves to take center stage is great, until you realize you never get the limelight. In those cases, it may be that the ‘forgotten’ partner starts to look for attention elsewhere.
Men with narcissistic partners
Men who have narcissistic partners are at a higher risk of cheating than those with non-narcissistic partners. At least, according to the research. So, what is it about having a spouse who leans toward narcissism that could lead men to become unfaithful?
To better understand this conundrum, we need to look at narcissism itself as a trait.
“The two main tenets of narcissism are a lack of regard for others and low or no empathy, and these two tenets may lead someone to cheat,” explains Elisabeth Crain, PsyD.
Esmaeilpour agrees. “Narcissistic individuals often exhibit a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement and an excessive need for admiration,” she says “Husbands with highly narcissistic partners might feel neglected or undervalued within the relationship, leading them to seek validation and admiration through extramarital affairs.”
While that may be the case, there’s another factor that we can’t overlook: the relationship itself. “When controlling for satisfaction, this correlation weakens, suggesting that the level of relationship satisfaction can mitigate the impact of narcissistic traits on infidelity,” says Esmaeilpour.
So if your partner is a narcissist but the relationship’s working just fine, you may be less inclined to cheat.
Infidelity is not all about your personality
It would be dangerous to suggest that people with certain personalities are always going to cheat. That is not the case. Experts agree that there are more significant indicators of whether a relationship is doomed to infidelity. So, if you’re worried about your partner cheating on you—or concerned that you yourself may slip up—it’s worth learning about these key factors first.
Multi-generational trauma
As with so many things, whether or not a person cheats may be linked to their upbringing and their childhood. Chances are, you’ve heard the phrase ‘multi-generational trauma’ thrown around. This is when your parents or primary caregivers pass their trauma and issues down to you.
But before you start pointing fingers, remember that they too have been passed this torch.
“We should consider generational trauma, or the multigenerational transmission process. The pain and struggle within a family will continue through generations until someone in the family is willing to confront and address the underlying issues,” explains Crain.
If either one of the partners in a relationship is struggling with this, it’s important to get help. Therapy—or even couple’s therapy—can help you to start to unpick some of the damage that has been done. As Crain puts it, “Recognizing that certain aspects didn't work and understanding how our unmet needs manifest in the present day is an important step.”
Unexpressed and unmet desires
Of course, one of the biggest triggers when it comes to infidelity is a person’s desire for something that they are not getting from the relationship. Rather than having the ability to healthily communicate their needs to their partner, they start to look elsewhere.
“Having the agency, awareness and consciousness to make informed decisions for one's own life is not only possible but essential. It’s also important to look at the nature of the relationship as well as unmet needs or unexpressed wants and desires,” says Crain.
Deep-seated relationship problems
Cheating can happen in any relationship, however healthy or fulfilling. However, problems that the two of you are not confronting could increase the risk. Rather than trying to bury your head in the sand and hope for the best, it’s important to tackle the issues. “Understanding and respecting each other's personality traits, needs and boundaries is crucial. Couples should strive for open and honest communication, addressing dissatisfaction or conflicts promptly and constructively,” says Esmaeilpour.
As we have already mentioned, therapy is one way in which you build a healthier relationship. However, it’s not the only option. Working on yourselves, your communication styles, and the way that you interact with one another will help you lay the groundwork here. There are plenty of activities you can do as a couple to strengthen your relationship.
Esmaeilpour puts it best when she concludes that “Relationships are dynamic and multifaceted. With mutual effort, understanding and commitment, couples can overcome challenges and build a fulfilling partnership regardless of their individual personality traits.”
The takeaway
There’s no cheater archetype and those who are unfaithful don’t necessarily have the same personality. To believe that would be naive. Sure, some characters are more likely to stray than others, but that is only half the story. Other factors—such as the quality of your relationship, multi-generational trauma and whether both of your needs are met—can all affect whether someone cheats. So, rather than worrying about whether someone in your life fits the bill of a cheater, it’s a far smarter move to work on yourself and your relationship.
