A woman who became "very angry" at her sister for not agreeing to be a surrogate for her has received a storm of backlash from users on Reddit.
According to user MaryAITAThrowaway (the 25-year-old woman who shared the incident in a post on Reddit's Am I the A**hole (AITA)) her 28-year-old sister (referred to as "Mary") allegedly claimed the user was only declining to be a surrogate for her and her husband ("Jack") because she was "jealous" and was "rubbing it in her face that they didn't make enough money for a professional surrogate."
Around a year ago, the couple were informed that Mary is infertile and "her body would never be able to produce or carry a child," the user said.
The pair later asked the user whether she would be willing to be a surrogate and that they "were unable to offer financial aid for even pre-natal care and hoped I'd do it as a favor," the user said.
When the user apologized and refused to be their surrogate, her sister became "very angry," according to the user.
Mary later allegedly demanded that the user "be a good sister" and "help fund" a professional surrogate. "I tried getting Mary to calm down, which she did but still kept saying I was only refusing out of jealousy/cruelty towards her."
The user said she "kindly yet firmly" told Mary: "I'm sorry you are unable to carry your child and it is not fair. You are allowed to be upset but it doesn't mean you can act this way towards me. The fact is, you and Jack need to wait until you are in a financially stable state to have children. You two are not in a position to be parents right now."
MaryAITAThrowaway told Newsweek: "Mary has wanted to raise a child since she was a little girl" and her infertility diagnosis was "crushing" for her. The user thinks perhaps it "led her to be so concerned with never having a child that she is not considering the welfare of the potential child."
In the post, the user explained finances are "a big obstacle" that stands in the way of the couple having a child. Mary currently works at Wendy's fast-food chain but "has lost several jobs in the past," while Jack currently works at a grocery store.
According to the user: "Because their annual income is under $40,000 and their housing also isn't stable at the moment, they have been denied by adoption agencies and are cannot afford surrogacy."
The user said: "Being poor has no impact on someone's ability to emotionally provide for their child. I have never believed otherwise. However, a crucial part of being a parent is being able to meet their physical/financial needs.
"Mary and Jack can barely even afford rent most months and can only get consistent meals because of their employee discounts. I'm not even sure they could afford diapers and formula every month, much less everything else an infant with two full-time working parents needs.
"What I told them had nothing to do with their ability to parent a child, but with their ability to afford a child at the moment," the user said.
The sisters have not had any discussions since that interaction, the user told Newsweek. Mary explained she needed space, and the user is "respecting her wishes," she said.
"Other than the price for a professional, I am unsure about how much research Mary and Jack have done in regards to surrogacy. Once Mary is comfortable enough to speak with me again, I will give it some time before gently recommending a counselor," the user said.
Read more
- Mom Conceives Twice in 5 Days in 'Miracle' Pregnancy, Kids Born on Same Day
- Man Blasted for Buying Surrogate $9K Car Because He is 'Obsessed' With Her
- 'Not My Baby': Surrogate Backed for Barring Client's Mom From Delivery Room
Several other users on the AITA forum defended the original poster's decision, supporting the argument about the couple's lack of finances making it not the right time for having a child at the moment.
User bookynerdworm wrote: "So they want you to pay thousands of dollars, maybe even go into debt, just so they could be parents? That's some favor. NTA [not an a**hole]," in a comment that received 2,100 upvotes at the time of reporting.
User bubbyshawl also wrote: "NTA. No one is entitled to a child; your sister is not entitled to your womb. They act like victims and you're supposed to make them whole. Even if they find a way to have a baby, they will have their hands out forever looking for help." The comment received at least 958 upvotes since it was shared.
User 0B-A-E0 said: "I hate that people seem to think that having kids is a right to have, rather than a privilege. It sucks [that] someone can't conceive biologically. But if you can't afford other ways, then I'm sorry, you're out of luck. That doesn't mean you can get super upset at others for not wanting to 'fix' that issue for you. NTA OP [original poster]." The comment received 220 upvotes.
User calling_water noted the "potential serious risk" that the requested surrogacy could have posed to the life of the user, who had said: "I am only about 100 lbs. When my mother was pregnant, she had hard pregnancies and needed C-sections both times. Her pregnancy with me was especially high risk...I am scared to experience pregnancy at all and especially the risks as I am even smaller/frailer than my mother was."
User calling_water wrote: "I get that Mary is heartbroken over not being able to have kids, but her request was extremely selfish," in a comment that received 838 upvotes.
Other users said the requested surrogacy was "under the table," with some claiming, in this latest case, it would be illegal to carry out.
User dreisamkatze claimed: "They [the couple] probably know [they're asking for an illegal surrogacy]. That's why OP points out they cannot afford an 'official' surrogate. They're asking OP to do this under the table - also note how they want her to do it 'as a favor' and won't even cover pre-natal expenses," in a comment that received 3,600 upvotes.
User Basic_Bichette claimed: "Surrogates must have given birth before, plus there are weight and age requirements. No fertility specialist will accept a childless woman who weighs 100 lb as a surrogate," in a comment that received 1,500 upvotes.
User Adorable-Case-7485 added: "Not only this, but to be a surrogate don't you have to have at least one other pregnancy to full term before you're considered? Correct me if I'm wrong but I think it's a legal thing too," in a comment that had 228 upvotes at the time of publishing.
According to Resolve: The National Infertility Association (a nonprofit), surrogacy laws vary by state. "In some U.S. states, commercial surrogacy is illegal and/or the contracts that define the parentage of the intended parents are not recognized or enforceable.
"This is why if you do consider to pursue surrogacy you will need to make sure you live in a surrogacy friendly state as well as work with a legal attorney who specializes in surrogacy, adoption or reproductive law," the association says.
Some states are "highly surrogacy friendly," such as in California, which "expressly permits surrogacy arrangements," according to the Legal Professional Group (LPG) of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASMR).
In other states, such as in New York, surrogacy contracts may be considered "void and unenforceable, as against public policy," but "uncompensated gestational surrogacy agreements [when the surrogate does not have a genetic tie to the child she's carrying], although unenforceable, are not illegal nor prohibited."
In other states, such as in North Carolina, there are "no statutes or published case law specifically permitting or prohibiting surrogacy," according to the LPG.
The ASMR suggests: "Carriers should be at least 21 years of age, healthy, have a stable social environment, and have had at least one uncomplicated pregnancy that resulted in the delivery of a healthy child. To give true informed consent without the experience of a pregnancy and a delivery is problematic because of the prolonged, intense, and unique nature of the experience."
While the user's family members have been supportive "for the most part" of her refusal to be a surrogate, they have called her out "for telling Mary she isn't in a position to have a child," the user said. "They said I was digging the knife deeper than it already was."
Some users on Reddit agreed, including Woodford82 who wrote: "Just a slight note from an infertile woman - she [the older sister] is hurting because others get to just have sex for free and get pregnant...to say not financially able enough for a child is a massive kick in the teeth as it's so hard to come to terms with not being able to do it for free like others."
Woodford82 added: "You are 100% not in the wrong to say no - she is being unfair but what you said sucked because it's not like she chose to have to have expensive medical treatment for something others just do for free..."
User limegeuse wrote: "You are right, they are not financially stable enough to have a child. But it wasn't the most tactful thing to say unfortunately," but "them demanding you be a surrogate for free and illegally is wildly inappropriate. NTA."
Update 6/15/22, 8:44 a.m. ET: This article was updated with comment from MaryAITAThrowaway.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
");jQuery(this).remove()})jQuery('.start-slider').owlCarousel({loop:!1,margin:10,nav:!0,items:1}).on('changed.owl.carousel',function(event){var currentItem=event.item.index;var totalItems=event.item.count;if(currentItem===0){jQuery('.owl-prev').addClass('disabled')}else{jQuery('.owl-prev').removeClass('disabled')}if(currentItem===totalItems-1){jQuery('.owl-next').addClass('disabled')}else{jQuery('.owl-next').removeClass('disabled')}})}})})
