Try this tweak to put yourself first once and for all.
Here’s how to make time for yourself—even in the COVID era.
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As an executive wellness coach, the most common challenge I hear from working moms is that they have no time for themselves. They excel at work and take care of everyone and everything except themselves. They know they should make time for self-care. I should meditate, they tell themselves. I should sleep more. I should exercise regularly. I should stop responding to work emails after 7 p.m. I should, I should, I should.
If you recognize this thought pattern, you’re not alone. Women naturally put ourselves last, and that problem has only been exacerbated by the pandemic, which has taken an exceptionally high toll on working moms. Overwhelmed as they try to juggle remote work, childcare, homeschooling and other household responsibilities, women are sacrificing self-care even more than usual.
It’s important to understand that behind the word should is a mindset. Language matters. Should is a conditional word, with an implied but unspoken if. I will do something nice for myself if I get everything else done, if there is time, if nothing else comes up. When we use the word must instead, there is a different attitude. Must is an imperative. When we label something as a must-do, it means we will make it happen. The difference is not just a matter of swapping one word for another but instead shifting your mindset.
Make Self-Care a 'Must' and Not a 'Should'
When clients tell me they should do something (especially the kinds of things that might feed their energy, morale and resilience), I challenge them to examine the value they place on certain activities versus others. Our values motivate us and tend to influence our attitudes and behavior. If self-care isn’t valued as much as work and family, then self-care inevitably falls by the wayside.
I have some clients who talk about how they should do all the things they want to do, yet do not do them consistently—while other clients say they must incorporate self-care into their daily life and actually do so. The difference between them comes down to one thing: their mindset. And mindset drives behavior.
When, for example, you have a deadline for a sales presentation at work, you enter it into your calendar and highlight it. You set reminders for yourself. You block out an entire afternoon to make sure the job gets done. Any limiting beliefs about not having enough time will not hold water when it comes to your must-do commitments.
Pause. Breathe. Choose.: Become the CEO of Your Well-Being is out Feb. 2, 2021.
New World Library (February 2, 2021)
What if you prioritized self-care in the same manner? When we adopt a must mindset to something on our list, it becomes non-negotiable. We structure our days around our must-do goals and activities. We say no to anything that might distract or deter us. If you can learn to approach taking care of yourself with the same urgency and intention you bring to other priorities, you will suddenly find yourself creating time and space for the things that fuel and sustain you. We all share the same number of hours in the day, yet some working mothers make time for themselves, and others do not. The only difference is their mindset.
An old Zen proverb says to sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you are too busy—then, sit for an hour. The same applies to self-care. If making time for yourself seems impossible, that is only a sign you need to get creative and figure out how to make it happen. The other wisdom in this saying is that the investment you make in yourself will more than repay itself. You will be more efficient and present in your other responsibilities. You will gain time in the long run.
Expand Your Definition of Self-Care
We diminish self-care by thinking of it too narrowly. There are the obvious things like exercise, a healthy diet and good sleep. But there are also the not-so-obvious things such as creative hobbies, connecting with others and daydreaming. Yes, daydreaming. Researchers are just now learning to appreciate that our brain needs downtime in the same way that our body needs nutrition.
Self-care is anything that helps you refuel, replenish and reset. Make a list of the things that give you energy, hope and optimism. Start seeing these as musts and not shoulds.
We also dismiss self-care by regarding it as self-indulgent. Think of it instead as an investment. When we bring our car into the shop for basic maintenance, even when nothing is wrong with it, that is not an indulgence or a frivolous extra. It is a wise investment. Adopt the same mindset when it comes to maintaining your body, mind and spirit.
Small Steps for Sustainable Change
Making self-care a regular part of your routine is a habit. As with any habit, the key is to start small and to be consistent. Start with one activity you want to incorporate and commit to it. Be strategic. Choose a time in your day that works best for you and your schedule. Perhaps going to bed and rising 30 minutes earlier will give you a quiet half-hour in the morning to meditate or do yoga. Or maybe you can tack on some extra time to your lunch break. Whatever time you choose, it is crucial to block it out in your calendar. Your self-care is just as important, if not more, than anything else in your schedule.
Plan and prepare, just as you do with other priorities. Every Sunday night, before the week’s chaos has swept me up, I go through my calendar and schedule time for exercise and other self-care activities. I allocate time for myself just as I would for a business meeting or any other high-priority obligation. I treat self-care as a must and not a should.
Monitor your progress on self-care just as you would your professional objectives. If self-care continues to fall through the cracks, scrutinize your schedule and see where your time is going. Create boundaries for yourself and reclaim your time.
The pandemic is a painful reminder that we are not as resilient as we would like to be as individuals and as a society. It has also reminded us that a crisis' strains inevitably fall especially hard on working moms. That unfortunate reality means that it also falls on you to be your own best advocate, to champion your own needs just as you champion those of others. Because self-care is ultimately about much more than the self. When we take care of ourselves, we have more energy to give to the world. We are better parents, better spouses, better leaders, better citizens. More than ever, the world needs you to tend to your own flame.
Naz Beheshti is the author of Pause. Breathe. Choose.: Become the CEO of Your Well-Being. She is an executive wellness coach, speaker, Forbes contributor, and CEO and founder of Prananaz, a corporate wellness company improving leadership effectiveness, employee engagement and well-being, company culture, and business outcomes. She lives in New York City with her husband. Visit her online at http://www.NazBeheshti.com.
