Advice by Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson
Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!) Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “Disagreeing.”
Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I have been going through a rough time, but I thought we were working through it. Recently, I found out that despite saying for a solid decade that he wasn’t really into politics and didn’t vote, he was lying. We got drunk together and he let slip that he’d voted for someone I feel strongly against not once but twice. He says this candidate “isn’t perfect but is more honest than the other guy.” He plans to vote similarly in the upcoming election. Is it stupid to end my engagement over this? I cannot imagine bringing this candidate’s values into my home, or around future kids! On the other hand, we’ve been friends for 12 years and dating for six. I thought he was the love of my life. He’s still the same man he was before I knew. Is it wrong to leave because of this? He says it’s not that important and that I’m overreacting which is why he didn’t tell me, but I’m mostly shocked.
—Disagreeing
Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: There are people who wouldn’t care about this (and they all write to me when I support disliking people because of their political beliefs), but this letter writer isn’t one of them!
Joel Anderson: I find it interesting that she actually cares, though I’m coming at it from a slightly different angle. If, as she claims, her husband is still the same man … What’s the problem? If she truly can’t detect any changes to his personality or behavior over the past few years, then maybe she should just let it go?
The problem is, of course, obviously something is up with this dude, and maybe it’s causing her to pick up things she’s missed over the years.
Jenée: I wish I knew more about the “rough time” they were going through. Like is there any chance it had to do with him surprising her by showing up at the local school board meeting to rant about critical race theory? But seriously, I just wonder if there’s a connection between his attitude/behavior at home and the way he sees the world. And you know I always worry about people minimizing tough times as the normal “hard work” or relationships. Sometimes the tough time is just one person being an asshole!
Joel: There’s so many missing details here, so yeah, “rough time” could potentially cover lots of ground, from him defacing a Black Lives Matter mural to him being a little messier around the house.
But you know what’s a rough time? Finding out your partner has been lying to you for a decade about his political values and commitments. Something we talk about all the time is that it’s really hard to divorce your political beliefs from the kind of person you are, because they’re a glimpse into the kind of world you want to see.
Jenée: And I just feel like it always comes out, eventually. Then you get people going “He’s so hateful, I can’t believe Fox News radicalized him! I mean he was always conservative but …” Well he always had the same basic feelings about other human beings, who deserves what, and how people should be treated. He just talked about them less aggressively and focused more on other things, so you were able to turn a blind eye. That’s my opinion at least.
Joel: Right. But you know what I picked up on? She asked if it was wrong to leave. That’s the wrong question. The real question is if she wants to leave. She doesn’t even have a good reason, though I’d say this potentially could be one.
Jenée: Seriously. “We’re not even married yet and I’m feeling the ick” is more than enough! It doesn’t matter what inspired it.
Joel: I know we’re not supposed to actively encourage people to leave their relationships but I’d say this: Her husband showed his hand when he said her outrage about this is “not that important” and that she’s “overreacting.” This is another clue that their values don’t align. He doesn’t even really care how she feels. If he’s not committed to understanding her issue with this decade-long subterfuge, it seems like she might be throwing more good years after bad ones.
Jenée: Yeah, “This isn’t important and you’re overreacting” bothered me. He’ll be saying that about everything in life including, like, women losing the right to vote. Get out of there!
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